Idle Minds, Like Idle Hands, Do the Devil's Work
My vision of leading a stress-free life seems to be slipping farther and farther away from me this week. Not that I expected a whole lot of progress, but I feel like I haven't made any, which in turn makes me feel just plain crappy. I thrive off of productivity, sometimes I feel like I amount my own worth to how productive I am, whether it was finishing grad school or finishing a book I am reading, I just like to get things done. I am always the party/event planner in my social life, and I love creating projects at work, for myself and my clients. It creates a sense of accomplishment for me and it makes me feel good. This past week, not so much of that feeling for me.
Being sick threw me out of my gym rotation that I was getting back into, and I am trying to get back but I have so much other stuff to catch up on that I put off while I was being sick on the couch. I have to pick up Matty's anniversary present tomorrow night and get to my therapist tonight, and the mornings don't even seem plausible for going since I have been in winter hibernation mode when it comes to sleeping. I need to quit making excuses and sacrifice some of my precious sleep, I know this, but I just can't seem to.
Work has been a bit slow, so I have been creating new projects and finally emailed the big boss today about some ideas that I have that I think are really awesome and could be really great for our clients. I will be super excited if she gives me the green light, but for now I feel anxious and stressed that she'll either not get back to me soon or not see the genius behind the ideas that I do. There is also a lot of negativity being thrown around the work place lately, stemming from people who are not happy here but for some reason don't have the sense or courtesy for their co-workers to find another job. This job is hard enough, and can be a negative and depressing environment, without the extra burden of the people that have chosen this field. This is something that I am hoping to address, and will file under the "reasons I should be promoted" file that I plan on bringing out when that opportunity arises and the timing is right. Until that, however, we'll just have to wait and see.
Finally, and putting the most weight on my heart, is in the news that my Dad's girlfriend, Joyce, suffered a massive stroke on Monday and is not expected to live. This is a tremendously sad situation for everyone and I feel terrible for Joyce's daughter Emily, who is only a year younger than myself and the mother of two young ones. My Dad has told me that the doctors may ask her today to make the ultimate decision about whether or not to keep Joyce on the machines that are breathing for her. I am devastated for my Dad who is currently taking care of my elderly grandmother and going to work everyday expecting a pink slip, and is now facing losing someone who is very dear to him. My father is not an easy man, and he and Joyce had a unique relationship that although no longer what is used to be, was still very important to my Dad. I just wish I could hug him or make him dinner or take my Grandma to church and give him some time alone. It adds to that feeling that I get once and a while that I abandoned my family, and it makes me feel absolutely terrible. My hands are tied and all I can be is a voice on the phone, and I hate it.
All I can do right now, for all of these situations, is to stay positive and remind myself to stay living in the moment and enjoy the wonderful things that I do have to the fullest. I have a great group of friends, a wonderful boyfriend, a loving family, a stable job, a supportive church and my health. Everything else will have to come with time and my own motivation to work towards my goals and get that productive feeling back. I'm off to try a little of that.
Oh, and Happy Birthday Mr. Pollack, and Rest in Peace Mr. Updike.