Hitting the wall

Both of us were not feeling well and it was gross out, but Maddie was loving her little hot "coocoo".
I have mentioned this before, but every winter I hit a wall where I absolutely, without argument know that I cannot even think about continuing on with any facet of my life and instead need to move somewhere warmer and start all over. It is usually quite dramatic, more often than not involves tears and is always in the presence of and somewhat directed at my dear husband. 
Historically, I hit the wall around February; this year I claimed to have hit it back in January, but apparently that was nothing but a half wall or a pony wall or something because I really, truly hit THE wall yesterday.
It was ugly.
This week has seen a sick toddler, a sick (AGAIN) mama, continued cold temps, lots of to-do lists at work, very little sleep, too many bills owed and a lot of time needed that does not actually exist due to the ridiculous twenty four hours in a day rule. 
So, on our drive home together with Madeleine fluctuating between whining, crying, coughing or amusing herself in which I was preparing to quickly leave the house again for a team dinner with Back on my Feet, I hit my wall. It went a little something like this:
Me: "Maybe I should stay home tonight, since Maddie and I don't feel well and I am tired."
Husband: (in his ever-supportive and calm manner) "No, honey, we will be fine. You should definitely go."
Me: "HOW DARE YOU TELL ME TO DO SOMETHING! WE ARE NEVER GOING TO OWN A HOUSE. I HATE NEW ENGLAND. OUR CAR IS GOING TO DIE BECAUSE WE NEED NEW BRAKE PADS. WAAAAHHHHHH." I also said a lot of other craziness about how there is no way we are ever going to reach any goal, I am sick of being patient, everything sucks and fuck a whole lot of life."
Then, since I was already in such good shape, I returned our pediatrician's voice mail to talk about Maddie's symptoms, and after yelling at the person answering the phones during the after hours, was able to speak to a nice nurse who gave us some great tips and confirmed my suspicions that Maddie was on the  up and up. This may have helped to calm me down a bit, as medical professionals seem to do, even when not doling out xanax. And just the ability to focus on and solve an actual problem and not a made up catastrophe was quite calming. 
I then proceeded to pull my shit together, spend a few minutes at home, apologize profusely to my husband and get to my team dinner. The night was awesome and getting to go around the table and listen to these men, who are homeless and battling addictions and struggling just to live each day, to hear them tell me how much I mean to them because I take a couple of hours out of my week to run with them, it just kind of blew me away. A couple of hours to me, but a whole lot more to them. Sometimes, that is all it takes for me to get a little perspective.
I want to own a house, with every fiber of my being, and I want to be in a better financial situation to spend on some things that we tend not to let ourselves have, and I know that these things will come and that every day we are moving closer to this goal. Sometimes, though, it is overwhelming, I am an impatient person and the "unknown" of how it will all end drives me up (or into) the wall. I want the weather to be warmer, I want to spend more time outside and less time putting layers of clothes on. I want to stop coughing and get a good night's sleep that doesn't include hacking sounds through the baby monitor. 
So I will practice patience, and I will make our home that we have now everything that I want it to be. We are going to move the rooms around a bit and get a few things to spruce up the furniture that we already have so we can wait until we buy to invest in new pieces. I love where we live and I am continuing to work with our city councilor to improve the neighborhood and make it a better place for whoever lives there. I will look forward to above-freezing temps this weekend and a trip to California in April. I will continue to take good care of myself and Maddie so that we rebound quickly from this winter congestion. And I will remember, next year, when winter is at it's worst, to book that annual trip to Florida.

Warm tubbies are the best medicine. 


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