On Mental Health

Within the span of a few days, two people lost their lives to mental health in a very public way, and I wanted to come here and try and put down the feelings that I have had now that the posts and hashtags and call for more resources have faded into the other background noise of everything that seems to be wrong in our world right now. The feeling of being triggered comes to mind, except that, despite my lifetime of living with an anxiety disorder, I have never once felt the pain of wanting to end my own life. I have been sad and frustrated that I have anxiety; let down in situations and even overwhelmed as a child who experienced trauma and more recently as a young mother trying to figure out my first days with baby but never, ever to the point of suicide. I am lucky, I guess, but that seems like a terrible word in the shadow of this monster.

I was gifted my first Kate Spade by my ever fashionable AIL and have since added as many of her bags, pieces of jewelry and whatever else I can get my hands on to my collection. Although she was no longer involved in the brand at the time of her death, Kate Spade's style remained present and, like so many ladies, those colors and themes just made us all so darn happy.

And then, Anthony Bourdain, just a complete and utter bad ass who I would have loved to share a beer and a meal with. Matt and I went to his former restaurant, Les Halles, after a considerable reading binge of his books; it was a culinary highlight for both of us and a happy memory of our dating adventures.
Both gone, both leaving behind people who loved them or thought they were super cool and a lot of people who watch the news and sadly, can relate.

I wrote about my first panic attack a few years ago here, and I had a lot of people tell that reading something that they could relate to or that could help them understand anxiety more was really helpful. Because that is the thing about mental health or physical health or anything that is "abnormal" to how you think you should feel - it is really comforting to not feel alone. Soon after my diagnoses (sadly, but maybe not so sadly) before the vastness of the internet was so vast, I spent time at bookstores reading about anxiety and found comfort in reading the symptoms of a panic attack and knowing that what I was feeling was something others felt too, and that it had a real name and science behind it. Then, to read about real people's stories of experiencing and managing their anxiety, in real life, it was like the sun came out again. Even now, some 20 years after that first panic attack, I still find myself seeking out stories that help me to not feel alone, despite a deep down knowledge that I am not. So, here I am, telling you that YOU are not alone, and I am always there to be an ear, a hug, or a resource. Also, wanted to share a few things that I have figured out truly help me in my life journey (that so happens to include anxiety).

1. A lifeline. Whenever I am in the throes of a panic attack, I know that I can text or call my husband and no matter what, he will be there to talk to me. Sometimes it is just him being on the other end of the phone to bring me back to reality, but he is always there, no judgement or frustration. Same goes for the middle of the night, wake up and start panicking attacks, which are rare but fierce. I can wake him up and he will stay awake and help me ride it out without any hint of being put out. Bonus is a best friend who also has anxiety, and is always there to make a joke or lend a sympathetic "hell yes" when I need it.

2. Running. This has been my savior in managing anxiety, and something I wish someone would have told me a lot earlier (but let's be honest, I probably wouldn't have listened). Running is time to myself, or time with friends, it challenges me physically (which is great for someone whose anxiety manifests very physically) and it helps tire me out for better sleep. Oh, and my anxiety about the way I look is benefited as well because I can eat my feelings away sometimes and still maintain a happy weight :)

3. Meditation. As much as I want it to be a thing in my life, guided meditation is not something that I have been able to prioritize and find time for. I really like the app Headspace and would love to attend a meditation class, but for now I have to find it in much smaller spurts: the breathe function on my Apple Watch, the 60 seconds in Sunday mass where the girls are behaving and I can let the words wash over me, even just a minute in the morning on the couch before I am buried in kids and dog. Breathing is the number one way to calm myself down and, like, running I can do it anywhere and at anytime, which is great for those lovely unpredictable bouts of anxiety.

4. Therapy. It has been a very long time since I have been in my therapist's chair, but at a time when my life was in chaos and my anxiety reflected that, this was a safe space for me to go and be told that I was ok, that this was normal, and that there was actual science behind why I was suffering. She helped me review the pieces of my life that could have contributed so that I could make peace with them, while also providing me with coping mechanisms and techniques to manage it and learn to enjoy my life with anxiety. Yes, with anxiety, because no matter what, I will never be a person without it, but I can (and have) learned to live with it.

I hope this helps someone, anyone, who might struggle with anxiety or any other mental health (issues, illness, stuff?). Although no one person can know what goes on in another, my hope is that we can all be a little kinder, a little more empathetic of them and ourselves.

Another bonus of running - these kinds of views (Neponset Trail, Dorchester).

Water is my happy place.

This guy has changed my life in the best ways (and that pup has been an amazing addition, too)!